Dating Kinky
A ‘cast about love, sex, romance, and kink.
A Dating Kinky Podcast Reboot & Unsolicited Advice
October 31, 2022 • 8 MIN
Unsolicited advice is something I've been personally noodling for a bit, especially in regards to personal boundaries and ethics.
Happy Birthday to Nookie!
August 30, 2022 • 7 MIN
Welcome back to me! I guess I kind of just disappeared. And I didn't mean to. I meant to say something, do something, let people know... But I didn't. And I apologize for that.
Nonmonogamy: one plus one is 1, one plus two is 3, and one plus three is 6.
July 29, 2022 • 12 MIN
To "do relationships" well, there are two factors that must be considered: 1. The individuals involved. 2. The relationships.
Do you reward the minor improvements?
July 27, 2022 • 10 MIN
Or, do you punish the lack of perfection? I'll admit, I do both. It's hard, sometimes, to recognize that things are getting better when they are frustrating AF, and maybe even something you take personally.
8 Tips to Communicating Compassionately
July 25, 2022 • 11 MIN
I've covered priorities, openness and respect in communication. Today, I'm tackling compassion.
A prayer for your love...
July 22, 2022 • 3 MIN
Not sure where this came from, except from the heart today. I wish all of this for all of you.
Throwback Thursday: A Few Thoughts On Need...
July 21, 2022 • 10 MIN
I've always thought Meatloaf had it backwards. He sang, "I want you. I need you, but there ain't no way I'm ever going to love you..."
The balance of power exchange and romance...
July 21, 2022 • 14 MIN
When you have power exchange relationship with romance, you actually have two relationships: Power exchange dynamic + Romantic
The business of kink...
July 20, 2022 • 12 MIN
One thing I've noticed in kink—versus the swinging world or nearly any other passion/hobby communities I've been in—kinksters as a whole do not believe the value of kink.
There is rampant slut-shaming in polyamory/nonmonogamy communities.
July 18, 2022 • 8 MIN
And you know what else? It's encouraged by many.
I don't NEED a partner. (Neither do you, I bet.)
July 15, 2022 • 13 MIN
I began to realize that while I didn't need another human to make my way through the world, especially one specific other human, the way love stories always suggested, I did want that partner.
My best sex life started at 40.
July 13, 2022 • 5 MIN
I'm not the only one who has said that sex has gotten better as we've walked over that hill. And it's not just for women, either.
What does communicating with respect look like?
July 11, 2022 • 13 MIN
Whether you feel respect will play a big part in whether or not they feel respected. A lack of respect bleeds through into everything you communicate.
Where are ALL the creepsters?
July 8, 2022 • 11 MIN
And I don't find that all the people in kink (or dating, or whatever) are creepy. Not even most of them. Not even most of the (gasp) men.
Tit-For-Tat is ABSOLUTELY NOT a safe, sane, and consensual relationship
July 7, 2022 • 12 MIN
If you really love someone, the LAST thing you want to do is to cause them hurt.
SPH: I've always looked for the tiny treasures...
July 6, 2022 • 9 MIN
A large and loud truck went by our outdoor gathering of kinky folk. Cue the usual jokes about masculine size compensation. I stopped them. Because consensual SPH is NOT acceptable. But consensual? Well, that's another story.
So, you want a consensual non-consent relationship?
July 4, 2022 • 9 MIN
A big part of CNC is developing the trust that you both ultimately want the same sorts of things from your kink and personal lives.
How can some people get off so much more easily than others?
July 1, 2022 • 10 MIN
Some may be born with a predisposition to pleasure. But since we can’t know what potential we are born with, it’s up to us to try new things, practice our exercises, and see where we can go and what we can feel.
Do you even 24/7, bruh?
June 29, 2022 • 11 MIN
One of the questions I get repeatedly: "Is 24/7 right for me?" It's an easy answer, once you have all the moving parts in place: Definitions, Negotiations, Expectations
How open are you in your communication? How open should you be?
June 27, 2022 • 14 MIN
Are you open enough? Are you authentic with your words and feelings? Do you offer what you need to offer to make your priorities happen?
The problem with positivity...
June 24, 2022 • 10 MIN
Humans are at their best when they experience a wide range of emotions in life. O'erweening positivity can deny the validity of many not-so-positive emotions and minimize the human experience.
Friendzoned? That's Because You're A Buttnugget.
June 23, 2022 • 10 MIN
Some people seem to think that friendship is an action you perform to get sex out of someone.
What is your communication style?
June 22, 2022 • 11 MIN
If we have different best ways of learning, perhaps we have different best ways of receiving information from others that are similar.
Do men need to love women more?
June 20, 2022 • 9 MIN
I'm not sure I have ever really been as deep in the trenches of the men versus women war as I was on this day.
What are the (kinky) odds?
June 17, 2022 • 6 MIN
Trying to find that vanilla love (which is a multi-billion dollar industry) and on top of that, adding in the extra desires (needs) of kink and it's 31 (31,000?) flavors can be pretty daunting.
Throwback Thursday: For Those Who Stand Up After Trauma...
June 16, 2022 • 10 MIN
In January of 2016, I wrote about recovering from trauma, and I sometimes go back to that writing that I did for someone else to help them—to help myself.
I learned something from Johnny Depp's Trial! (aka, The 3 Necessary Stages of Trauma Recovery)
June 15, 2022 • 15 MIN
This clip made it all so clear to me: the 3 stages of working through trauma.
What are you trying to get out of this conversation?
June 13, 2022 • 14 MIN
What you want in this moment from this conversation will make a HUGE difference in how and what you communicate.
When "No" doesn't mean "No."
June 10, 2022 • 16 MIN
YOUR "No" is allowed to mean anything you want it to. "Banana" can mean no. Or yes. Or "remember that time that we were at the zoo, and that money made a rude gesture with it's banana?"
What is realistic to want in a relationship?
June 8, 2022 • 10 MIN
A lot of dating advice says something like, "Be realistic in your expectations," and they are right. Not RIGHT, but right.
No, consent does not mean it's not bad for you.
June 6, 2022 • 14 MIN
"Do you think consent equates to no harm?" Obviously not. People say there are no stupid questions. But there are. This is one of them.
Can you "break" yourself masturbating?
June 3, 2022 • 8 MIN
Have you heard yet about "dead vagina syndrome?"
Your Ex: Dr. Jekyll & Mr. Hyde? Actually, It's You AND Them.
June 2, 2022 • 11 MIN
It's always fascinating when someone writes about how awesome their lover is when they are together and just trash them once the relationship ends. Were they dating two different people?
I don't do newbies.
June 1, 2022 • 12 MIN
"Go learn and do your own emotional labor before trying to involve me. I don't have the patience to date you and be your poly sherpa. Pick one! Lol"
Communication is a TOOL. Not a solution.
May 30, 2022 • 14 MIN
Communication only works positively if people WANT to work together.
Reward what you want in your life.
May 27, 2022 • 12 MIN
A simple and brilliant strategy: Reward what you want in your life. Ignore or do not reward what you don't want in your life.
Communication Is NOT The Most Important Part Of A Relationship—Kinky Or Otherwise
May 26, 2022 • 10 MIN
Communication is NOT enough. You need this, too.
What does "No" mean?
May 25, 2022 • 9 MIN
"No" does not mean "ask me why and argue with me about the validity of my decision."
What is Brenett's Law?* (Hint: It's about where the power lies in relationships.)
May 23, 2022 • 9 MIN
Do you think that any specific gender has innate power over another?
Are you a mind reader?
May 20, 2022 • 13 MIN
People who believe you can read minds, often believe that they can, too.
You ARE Worthy...
May 19, 2022 • 9 MIN
Some people will tell you that you’re not and you need to change to be worthy. I disagree with this.
Trust is 99% this...
May 18, 2022 • 9 MIN
I've realized that the TRUST is not about them. It was never about them.
Foreplay and aftercare are far more than they seem (to me).
May 16, 2022 • 9 MIN
To me, they are so much more than some time before and after sex/kink/play.
I am not your 'safe' friend.
May 13, 2022 • 9 MIN
I don't want to be everyone's safe space. I can't. I don't have the energy, and frankly, that's not my priority.
Throwback: Unconditional Relationships? *cough cough* BULLSHIT!
May 12, 2022 • 16 MIN
Over the years, I've had a lot of feels about the idea of "unconditional." Here are a few from years previous.
Fear biters (no, not the sexy kind of bite!)
May 11, 2022 • 10 MIN
Fearful people will seem fine until they are not, often seeming to change instantly from smiling and sweet to biting and snapping.
Unpopular Opinion: I don't believe in unconditional love.
May 9, 2022 • 7 MIN
I don't want to know that I made you feel love for me yesterday or 13 days ago, or on your birthday last year, but that you love me now, today.
Are FemDoms required to take on more emotional labor than dominants of other genders?
May 6, 2022 • 14 MIN
Quick answer: No. But they often do, and it's pretty much sort of expected of them.
"What's Wrong?" "Nothing." "Ok."
May 5, 2022 • 18 MIN
If someone says nothing is wrong when you ask, believe them (or act like you do). They have a right to their mental privacy.
Stuck in crisis? Journaling may be an answer.
May 4, 2022 • 10 MIN
I start out with a question, usually 'How am I feeling?' and the date. Then, I answer the question.
Do what works.
May 2, 2022 • 9 MIN
I don't preach nonmonogamy (although I sometimes want to). In fact, I've said it before, poly or nonmonogamy are not for everyone.
Guaranteed! Fix 70% of Your "Basic Bitch" Relationship Problems With This ONE Simple Trick!
April 29, 2022 • 6 MIN
We end up in relationships of habit, or of assumptions, rather than intentionally creating relations that fill us and give us room to grow.
A key point we often miss when discussing consent...
April 28, 2022 • 14 MIN
There is something missing in every major consent piece I've read, and even those that mention it seems to gloss it over, as they are focused primarily on the physical, rather than the mental results of consent.
You're asking the wrong question!
April 27, 2022 • 11 MIN
I prefer not to answer questions like this because the answer doesn't help you.
Have you ever wondered, "Am I being used?"
April 25, 2022 • 14 MIN
Ultimately, when someone questions whether they are being used, it typically means the person feels they've been taken advantage of and their boundaries have been violated.
I’m open to connections. I’m not “looking.”
April 22, 2022 • 13 MIN
Looking, to me, suggests that I've got ideas about how I'd like people to fit into my life. Like a life partner, or a lover, or a particular scene I'd like to fulfill, or whatever. I'm not looking.
Love Hurts, Part 2
April 21, 2022 • 14 MIN
Love seems so simple. Where is the hurt in love? What about love can make you feel hurt?
I set calendar reminders to tell people I appreciate them.
April 20, 2022 • 16 MIN
I'd hazard to say that many people (most people) don't give good feedback regularly at all, to anyone.
Lying to prove love and loyalty: is it worth it?
April 18, 2022 • 10 MIN
I write about lies and lying every now and again, and I'm constantly surprised at how many people tell me that lying is OK in their relationships.
How do we cultivate apathy in our relationships?
April 15, 2022 • 15 MIN
Apathy is probably not something we want a lot of in our relationships, yet it's easy to grow, and it springs up in so many places when we're not looking.
The night I tried to be sexy...
April 14, 2022 • 11 MIN
Hint: It didn't go well. It crushed me.
I'm selfish AF, and proud of it.
April 13, 2022 • 9 MIN
Those who know me best know for a fact I am selfish. I do what I do because it gives me pleasure.
Dom VS. Domme: What's the difference?
April 11, 2022 • 16 MIN
It's not just masculine dominance and feminine dominance. Unnecessary gendering is not all that comes with the domme label, is it?
GUEST POST: Single Guys: Roles in the (Cuckolding/Hotwife/Swing) Lifestyles
April 8, 2022 • 18 MIN
Bulls, playmates, occaisionals, oh my! Single men in the cuckolding/hotwife/swing lifestyles.
Are You A Priority? Do You Really Want To Be?
April 7, 2022 • 7 MIN
Lots of people ARE really busy. To suggest that some people do not have more on their plate than others is denying reality.
Is your relationship style descriptive or prescriptive?
April 6, 2022 • 10 MIN
"I find that we work best with descriptive relationships, rather than prescriptive."
Boundaries' Companion: Fulfillment Points
April 4, 2022 • 7 MIN
It's important to know not only what you won't tolerate in a relationship, but also what fills you up, makes you happy, and what you want and need.
YET ANOTHER reason I hate the concept of "compromise."
March 25, 2022 • 10 MIN
If I care more about how toilet paper is rolled than my partner's happiness, I'm an asshole.
F*¢k NO, I Will NOT Compromise!
March 24, 2022 • 7 MIN
Why do we compromise by default? Why has anyone ever thought that it was a good idea to base a relationship on lowering your wants, needs, and standards?
Stop creating the wrong you.
March 23, 2022 • 4 MIN
Who you are (including your fears) shapes what you do, and what you do then shapes who you are (including your fears).
The Effort IS the Reward (Sometimes)
March 21, 2022 • 6 MIN
What if it's the journey, not the destination that matters? What if you will never ultimately reach your destination, so how you chose to live and strive is what matters?
Boundaries Are Sexy AF: Enforcing boundaries
March 18, 2022 • 11 MIN
The question about boundaries that I get asked most often is, "How do I enforce a boundary?" Good question! Thank you for asking.
Paraphrasing is an amazing, valuable tool when used right (Thoughts On Communication, Part VII)
March 17, 2022 • 5 MIN
Paraphrasing ideas and concepts into your own words is useful when you are using it as a tool to actually bridge the communications gap. Paraphrasing is also manipulative, self-centered, and often wrong.
We make relationships hard. They don’t have to be. Part 1
March 16, 2022 • 10 MIN
Reveling in the sweet spots of our relationships makes things wonderful and delicious, while spending time in the ick spots makes us both lesser people, and brings us even more fear, loathing, resentment, anger and more.
Choose people who choose you.
March 14, 2022 • 6 MIN
Took me a long time to learn this lesson, but now that I've learned it, I can't even remember what it was like to feel another way.
There is REALLY a fundamental equality in kink.
March 11, 2022 • 9 MIN
A dominant and a submissive (or any role), are humans first. They simply have different needs and desires. While this sort of idea is given lip service, many times, implicit bias gets mixed in with discussions.
Your big 'But' is showing.
March 11, 2022 • 5 MIN
When you stick your big "but" out there for all to see (and hear), this is what happens.
Am I into younger men?
March 9, 2022 • 4 MIN
I've dated younger men that I really enjoyed, and I've met older men who I couldn't stand. BUT...
How do you screen for partners for play, dating, or love?
March 7, 2022 • 8 MIN
Do whatever you are willing and ENJOY doing, and don't do the rest. Then, it doesn't matter about reading them or whatever, because you are living your best life.
GUEST POST: The Pain of Healing
February 23, 2022 • 13 MIN
It all began with a kiss. A simple gesture of togetherness. The crowned Queen and the hooded Catsuit. The darkness overwhelming me, looking to be brought into the light.
GUEST POST: The Effects of NRE & Misinterpretations
February 21, 2022 • 11 MIN
"All the red flags were there and she just didn't see them."
The hot dogs keep coming...
February 18, 2022 • 6 MIN
It's so common, it's a meme. A feminine-presenting person joins a dating site, and suddenly hot dogs are thrown at them. Offer after offer pours in. It's just magic. And it's totally FREE!
Why I don't give blow jobs - a top 10 list
February 17, 2022 • 7 MIN
There are so many reasons I don't give blow jobs. I was thinking about it this morning, and thought I'd write them out, like a top ten.
Are you team ME or team WE?
February 16, 2022 • 8 MIN
Team ME: personal accountability and taking responsibility. Team WE: community responsibility for the safety of it's members. For me, it's team ME.
Can emotions be wrong?
February 14, 2022 • 10 MIN
Emotions in my mind are simply feedback. They are not good or bad. They simply are.
What CAN matter: anything. What must matter: nothing.
February 11, 2022 • 4 MIN
ANYTHING can matter to someone. Nothing matters to everyone.
Lies, Damned Lies And Consent
February 10, 2022 • 13 MIN
Lies. I can't begin to say in one podcast everything I have to say about lies. They are both fascinating and abhorrent to me.
"The worst they can do is say no."
February 9, 2022 • 3 MIN
Some say, "The worst they can do is say no." They're wrong, IMO.
Let them do what they wanna...
February 7, 2022 • 5 MIN
Do you want a relationship where you can just do what you want? Is it possible?
Of COURSE they knew... </sarcasm>
February 4, 2022 • 6 MIN
Everyone who attended a party or called them friends is assumed to have been part of the cover up. Because, "Well, of COURSE they knew..." Sure. OF COURSE.
I Do NOT Have The Libido Of A Man!
February 3, 2022 • 6 MIN
In one ancient Greek myth, Zeus and Hera argue about whether men or women enjoy sex more. They ask the prophet Tiresias, whom Hera had once transformed into a woman, to settle the debate. He answers, “if sexual pleasure were divided into ten parts, only one part would go to the man, and and nine parts to the woman.”
If dating feels like drudgery, I have some suggestions.
February 2, 2022 • 5 MIN
I was dating to reach a specific OUTCOME. I was trying hard to project my best image. Every date was a chance to perform and win (or lose).
"I trust until they show me they can't be trusted."
January 31, 2022 • 5 MIN
I act as if someone is trustworthy until they give me proof they are not. But I don't really TRUST them.
The Love of a Cuckold #CuckWeek
January 28, 2022 • 11 MIN
When I was thinking about what I wanted to write for #CuckWeek, I couldn’t think of anything more amazing than the love of a cuckold to tell you about.
"I hear he only kinks with people he has sex with."
January 28, 2022 • 6 MIN
Some people only kink without sex. Some people only kink with sex. Some people mix it up. There is no WON TWOO WAY to do this thing.
[The Most Amazing Non-Sex I’ve Ever Had]
January 27, 2022 • 10 MIN
I'm not a woo-woo person, but I had this experience that made it clear that we don't yet really understand how humans (and sex) work, and it was AMAZING!
Don't feed the trolls!
January 26, 2022 • 4 MIN
"It's a TROLL!" My answer, "So what?"
What is a pimptress?
January 24, 2022 • 6 MIN
I am in control of my own sexuality. And I don't let anyone hold me down or take advantage of me, especially sexually.
When the sex dies...
January 21, 2022 • 12 MIN
When a woman's libido slows down, and it's assumed it's slowing down because she is a woman, that stops inquiry and curiosity and possible solutions.
When MEN Don’t Want Sex
January 20, 2022 • 6 MIN
A popular belief is that that women’s sex drive fails first or that women NATURALLY don't want sex, but that's not necessarily true.
A friend once asked me what being a dom was...
January 19, 2022 • 3 MIN
If I fail at everything else in my relationship, I will always make sure that I am direct, honest, and I make space for the people I relationship with to be the same.
Boundaries are sexy AF: Boundaries are NOT manipulation
January 17, 2022 • 10 MIN
Many people get boundaries wrong. Because they set boundaries about another person's autonomous actions. I get it. It can feel like a very very fine line and a confusing one.
That's just RONG! (There are some things I hear over and over that make me cringe.)
January 14, 2022 • 5 MIN
There are some things I hear over and over that make me cringe. Not just because they are wrong, but because they inspire wrong behavior through misunderstanding.
Win! (Or Fail Spectacularly.)
January 13, 2022 • 5 MIN
Today I introduce you to one of my favorite mottos.
Fail forward!
January 12, 2022 • 3 MIN
They say " this world nothing can be said to be certain, except death and taxes," but I think they forgot something. Failure.
Breaking up is hard to do: Expectations
January 10, 2022 • 9 MIN
During a break up, a huge part of the grieving process is over the loss of your EXPECTATIONS of how you WANTED things to turn out...
The trap of insecurity.
January 7, 2022 • 5 MIN
Reassurance can become exhausting. It can take over the relationship and overshadow all of the other things, killing passion and eventually, the connection.
The Night I Made Her Cum On The Living Room Floor Surrounded By People
January 6, 2022 • 5 MIN
I didn't touch her princess parts at all...
Someone asked me how I deal with abuse in the lifestyle.
January 5, 2022 • 8 MIN
First, I do what I can to be the kind of person that makes predators and abusers incredibly uncomfortable. I hope they will steer far clear of me, events I host, and people I love.
No matter how long or how far you have traveled in the wrong direction...
January 3, 2022 • 4 MIN
It's the beginning of a new year. 2022. And all over social media, I'm seeing a lot of "New Year, New You" stuff.
Failed Messages: The Résumé Copy Pasta
December 24, 2021 • 8 MIN
I really don't know where people get the idea that sending a tome of epic proportions all about their sexual fantasies will get them what they want.
What is value, what is worth—in kink and love?
December 22, 2021 • 6 MIN
I love who I am. So, why would I want to change who I am for someone? And I might note, that if they are asking me to change my limits, they are not loving and accepting who I am, so where is MY worth in all that?
What acts FEEL intimate to you? Have you ever really thought about it? I think many people do not, until they are confronted with them in situations they don't love. Like when jealousy rears its ugly head. In response to a writing last week, some of
December 20, 2021 • 7 MIN
What acts FEEL intimate to you? Have you ever really thought about it?
The words we say VS. the communication they hear.
December 17, 2021 • 7 MIN
I like to say that communication is not the words we say, but the results we get.
"Your hot!!!" "So?"
December 15, 2021 • 5 MIN
Do you give compliments without expectations? I do. Often. Because I never, ever believe a compliment would require a response at all.
We remake others (or want to) without consent
December 13, 2021 • 5 MIN
WHO knows better? Do you think someone knows who you should be better than you do? Do you think anyone should get into a relationship with you intending to change you to meet their needs/expectations?
Thoughts on the possessive "My..."
December 10, 2021 • 4 MIN
Is it appropriate for the s-type to refer to their D-Type as "MY [fill-in-the-honorific]?" Someone on FB says No. I disagree.
Hi! 👋🏻 I'm polyamorous and monoromantic.
December 8, 2021 • 8 MIN
You know what I get a lot? "I'm curious about you saying you're polyamorous and monoromantic. How does that differ from swinging?"
What's the difference between Nice & Kind?
December 6, 2021 • 9 MIN
Ever herd the term "Nice Guy?" It's not a kind term. But Nice Guys (or Nice Gals or Nice Folx, because it's NOT a gender issue, really) are not really kind.
Boundaries are sexy AF: Intellectual Boundaries
December 3, 2021 • 9 MIN
So far, I’ve covered material, sexual, physical, time, and emotional boundaries. Today, I’m focusing in on Intellectual Boundaries: Thoughts and Ideas.
MOST things are figureoutable.
December 1, 2021 • 8 MIN
When you have a something in front of you, and you’re not sure where to start, it’s SO 👏🏻 EASY 👏🏻 to get stuck. To let the overwhelm of realizing how much you don’t know prevent you from moving forward.
What's wrong with nonmonogamy?
November 29, 2021 • 9 MIN
The simple answer: The same things that are wrong with monogamy, only multiplied. The more complex answer is, well, more complex.
Are you terrible at relationships, or do you just sleep with assholes?
November 26, 2021 • 5 MIN
Because there is a difference. A HUGE difference.
Hi! 👋 You ROCK!
November 25, 2021 • 3 MIN
I know you’re busy. I know there are a million places where you could spend your time.
Don’t offer me something I don’t want, then suggest I do emotional labor to get it. 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
November 24, 2021 • 5 MIN
Today, as I opened my messages, I saw the completion of yet another round of *Failing At Connecting, Back-Asswards Edition.*
"We cannot always control what happens to us, but we can always control our response." FALSE
November 22, 2021 • 8 MIN
That is a big fat lie. And it's an easy lie to accept, to internalize, and to use to beat ourselves and others over the head. Because there is truth inside it, but the statement itself is NOT TRUE.
What you hate will often show you what you fear.
November 19, 2021 • 10 MIN
It hurts to feel fear. It makes us feel unsafe and vulnerable. It makes us feel powerless. Fear sucks. But anger. Oh man. Anger makes us feel POWERFUL.
Forced KTP is doing it RONG.
November 17, 2021 • 5 MIN
I love KTP (Kitchen Table Poly). The way I do it.
Sometimes, I'm the bad guy.
November 15, 2021 • 6 MIN
Sometimes when someone says I hurt them, I fall back on my brain to save me instead of my heart.
Are you assertive? Or are you aggressive?
November 12, 2021 • 10 MIN
In many cases, the line is not going to be hard and fast. Because humans are varied, and there is no one litmus test that will work for all.
"I don't know. CAN you date my partner?"
November 10, 2021 • 5 MIN
People often ask me if they can play with or date my partner. I always have the same answer...
Ever had a hard drive crash?
November 8, 2021 • 5 MIN
It SUCKS. Big time. Just like that, *snaps* you've lost data. And most of the time, you don't even know exactly what data you've lost.
But when do we get to the 🍆💦🍑👉🏻👌🏻?!?
November 5, 2021 • 5 MIN
Sex? Who told you there’d be sex? Ohhh. Right.
WHY can't they just be more direct?
November 3, 2021 • 11 MIN
Oh, I feel you.
Boundaries are sexy AF: Time Boundaries
November 1, 2021 • 6 MIN
Healthy time boundaries: making time for the priorities in your life: work, love, hobbies, personal care, family, volunteering and so on.
Did you wake up this morning?
October 29, 2021 • 4 MIN
You're here, you're listening, and NOW is your chance. "To what?" you ask. To whatever.
The cages we build for ourselves.
October 27, 2021 • 7 MIN
We can unlock our cages, but we have to realize that they are there first. And that we've created them.
What do you think when you see success?
October 25, 2021 • 4 MIN
What do you think when you see someone in an amazing photo, showing off a gorgeous rope tie? What do you think when you read someone's joy about their polyamory?
"I'm curious about being with a [insert gender here]."
October 22, 2021 • 8 MIN
When it comes to who we are and what we do in kink and sexuality, attraction is not a single thing. And it's also probably not going to go away just because you ignore it (as many of us know full well).
What is romance?
October 20, 2021 • 6 MIN
How would you define romance? Is it only the big things you must sacrifice for? Is it in the details? A combination?
I believe that the more I put into life (and kink), the more I get.
October 18, 2021 • 4 MIN
Some people say that you get out of life what you put in. I don't believe that. Some people have WAY more advantages than others.
"Well, once you get to know them..." 🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️🤦🏻‍♀️
October 15, 2021 • 2 MIN
I've had a lot of people over the years say things in response to my writings about people being creepy or weird or gross, like, "If you bother getting to know them..."
Asking me for what you want and need is actually HELPING me.
October 13, 2021 • 7 MIN
How do you know when to ask for what you want or need?
"I'm open to possibilities."
October 11, 2021 • 4 MIN
Inevitably, on dating sites and apps, I get the question, "So, what are you looking for?" I nearly always want to reply, "Nothing."
NOT asking for what you want and need is a trauma response...
October 8, 2021 • 6 MIN
Some people actively train others to NOT help, by turning down help when it's offered, because they don't want to be a bother, without even realizing it.
The internet rewards us for being mean.
October 6, 2021 • 10 MIN
A new study shows how online social networks are encouraging us through likes, shares, and engagements to express more moral outrage over time. Basically, when we post something extreme or controversial, we get more engagement, which in turn encourages us to post more like that.
No matter how toxic...
October 4, 2021 • 6 MIN
Most people are toxic not because of who THEY are—they may love us deeply, and care (or not)—but because of who WE ARE.
Survival & Thrival
September 29, 2021 • 5 MIN
If you are reading this, you have not only survived everything life has thrown at you—heartbreak, abuse, loss, pain, trauma, change—up until now, you are also looking for more and better for yourself.
"Go to events, young man." --->NOT always the right advice.
September 27, 2021 • 9 MIN
In a recent writing, there was some discussion about how difficult it can be to go to events, and how going to events is a privilege.
"How do I get my _____ to _____ to me?"
September 24, 2021 • 13 MIN
This the second most common question I'm asked. The first is "Where do I find ______ (fill in the blank amazing kinky person)?"
Have you ever been afraid to say no?
September 22, 2021 • 6 MIN
I asked my FetLife feed if they had ever been afraid to say no. The results are horrifying.
Ch-ch-ch-changes (or 12 years, and 1200 blogs)
September 20, 2021 • 5 MIN
In 12 years on FetLife, I've written 1,200 blog posts. And I've changed A LOT. But not a lot at a time. Usually, actually a very teeny-tiny bit at a time.
Yes, they really DO know the difference.
September 17, 2021 • 9 MIN
I'm don't write to coddle people who make others uncomfortable. I write to share a viewpoint, and give them tools and ideas on doing/being better.
"Hi There! My name is Dug. I have just met you and I love you."
September 15, 2021 • 4 MIN
"I'll take 'Things only dogs can successfully say to strangers,' for 500, Alex."
The Craigslist Conundrum (Alt Title: Why you gotta ruin it for EVERYONE? 😭😭😭 )
September 13, 2021 • 13 MIN
This is my tale of how CL's hands-off approach to "community-moderated dating/hookup content" went so horribly wrong.
What are the CO$T$ of dating? 💰💰💰
September 3, 2021 • 5 MIN
In the corporate world, we have costs of doing business. What are the costs of dating?
Sometimes, you train them to lie to you.
September 1, 2021 • 7 MIN
Do you want people in your life to lie to you? If so, when? If you said, "No," are you sure you want the truth? Do you reward the truth when you get it?
Another look at "Women have all the sexual power..."
August 30, 2021 • 6 MIN
He stood me up. He denied me sex. He had the sexual power. It is that simple.
Boundaries are sexy AF: Emotional Boundaries
August 27, 2021 • 9 MIN
Healthy emotional boundaries: recognizing your feelings as yours and not leakage or influence from another, and knowing when it is right to share them.
Equality VS Parity in relationships.
August 25, 2021 • 3 MIN
equality: the fact of being equal — parity: comparability of strength or intensity
Do the math: the numbers are depressing.
August 23, 2021 • 8 MIN
Meeting someone like me is a one-in-a-mliion shot. And I'm not exaggerating or being vain. Seriously. I did the math.
Balancing NRE (New Relationship Energy) with your other relationships: Can it be done?
August 20, 2021 • 6 MIN
Every new parter (NRE-potential partner, anyway) costs an exponential amount of energy.
The remote control to your brain...
August 18, 2021 • 8 MIN
You hold a remote control to your brain. An ability to change the channel on your TV. To determine what you look for and focus on. This channel changer is a direct link to your RAS or Reticular Activating System.
Do your crazy kinky thing.
August 16, 2021 • 5 MIN
☝️☝️ Words to live by, if you ask me. You didn't ask me though, LOL! And I'm going to tell you anyway.
Our perception of the world quite literally changes our experience of it.
August 13, 2021 • 8 MIN
Once you perceive your world a certain way, and commit to it, your experiences of the world will often conform to your desires and expectations.
Do you sniff your hand after you shake hands? Ha! Are you suuuuure?
August 11, 2021 • 6 MIN
Nearly three decades ago, I ran across this weird book in the discount section of a Borders Books that was all about bio-hacks before the language of bio-hacking was a part of our cultural zeitgeist.
You’re lucky to have me! (No, really! InterwebzStranger48792 said so!)
August 9, 2021 • 3 MIN
A silly and fun game I play with my partner.
Boundaries are sexy AF: Physical Boundaries
August 6, 2021 • < 1 MIN
Today, I’m focusing on Physical Boundaries: Personal Space and Physical Touch.
“Do what feels right!” Yes, but…
August 4, 2021 • 5 MIN
Doing what feels right can be good, when you are properly calibrated. But are you?
“If I increase my number of partners, I reduce what I have to give any single partner.”
August 2, 2021 • 10 MIN
For some people, having multiple partners (or the freedom to have) makes having even one of them possible.
What about the guys who are respectful, and polite and never receive a reply, or even a polite, “No Thanks”?
July 30, 2021 • 7 MIN
Won’t someone think about the guys?!? 😩😩😩
Sometimes (most of the time, actually) it IS all about you.
July 28, 2021 • 5 MIN
My writings when you read them are all about you.
Be willing to be awful at things.
July 26, 2021 • 5 MIN
Be willing to be awful at things. Be willing to suck at stuff. Acknowledge your faults. Fix what you can and what you want…
Boundaries: Sexual
July 23, 2021 • 5 MIN
Today, I’m going to focus on Sexual Boundaries: Emotional, Intellectual, and Physical Aspects of Sexuality.
Can you be interesting on demand?
July 21, 2021 • 3 MIN
In the getting-to-know-you stages of connecting with someone, I often say: “Tell me something fascinating about yourself.”
I will not fight you for it.
July 19, 2021 • 5 MIN
I will not battle for our relationship. I will not struggle for what I need. I will not duel for your attention.
YOU’RE WRONG! Very, very wrong.
July 16, 2021 • 5 MIN
We are ALL wrong about something, most of us about very many things, both big and small.
It’s a fine line between “Love me as I am” and “I don’t ever have to grow or improve as a human.”
July 14, 2021 • 4 MIN
Saw something that said “if I’m a lot, go find less.” and that’s the vibe. forever.
Who says relationship don’t last anymore?
July 12, 2021 • 6 MIN
Many relationships do last today. And the ones that do, more of them are healthy and fulfilling for BOTH of the people involved.
Does it help or hinder communication? Yes.
July 9, 2021 • 5 MIN
Well, there’s a simple answer for this. It helps—a lot. It hinders—a lot. And it often doesn’t matter at all.
The upside and the downside of intensity in relationships.
July 7, 2021 • 6 MIN
My theory: Kinksters are on the average more intense than the general vanilla public.
What if I'm ashamed about my kink?
July 5, 2021 • 4 MIN
Normally, I’m a fan of emotions, even those we might usually think of as negative, like anger, or jealousy. Not shame.
“I’m sorry I’m not good enough for you.” Nonpologies, Part 2
July 2, 2021 • 5 MIN
It’s amazing to me how many people who really should know better (and do, in other situations) will fall back on a craptaculous nonpology when feeling defensive.
The AAR: After Action Report
June 30, 2021 • 5 MIN
I rarely see the AAR discussed in kink. And it’s been a valuable tool for me since the very beginning.
The Dirty Dozen: A look into the first 12 of Nookie’s private messages on a Monday morning.
June 28, 2021 • 7 MIN
People wonder why it's hard to connect online. I would guess it's because so many people get messages like this, and they begin to shut down their hope for real authentic connection, unless someone really stands out.
All relationships will fail without this ONE thing…
June 25, 2021 • 5 MIN
No matter how well you communicate, how awesome you are, how well you cook, or how funny you are…no matter how much money you have, or looks, or whether your attitude is sunny or full fo thunderstorms, NONE of that matters if you don’t have…
Strengthening Your Personal Intuition About Others
June 25, 2021 • 23 MIN
A quick guided meditation/hypnosis focusing on strengthening your person intuition.
May your scenes match your fantasies: A blessing…or a curse?
June 23, 2021 • 4 MIN
Would you want your scenes to match your fantasies? Maybe you would. After all, you’ve probably been working on them for a while.
I was stood up this weekend.
June 21, 2021 • 5 MIN
And it’s OK. I gave them my time. They chose to waste it.
What is “Queer Enough?” (Hint: Not me.)
June 18, 2021 • 5 MIN
Feeling queer enough is just another version of imposter syndrome.
Compromise Begets Compromise
June 8, 2021 • 6 MIN
Reasons To Reexamine Our Thinking On This Relationship Tool
The Responsibility of the Dominant, Revisited
June 3, 2021 • 7 MIN
One person's responsibilities in a relationship do not cancel out another's.
It’s Pride Month, Y’all
June 1, 2021 • 6 MIN
Yes, I know, I’m not surprising anyone these days with the news that it’s Pride Month. And I’m OK with that.
It can be awkward and silly the first time, but just ask.
May 25, 2021 • 5 MIN
How do you know if you are helping people feel great?
Great dominants are those who make others feel that they, too, can become great.
May 20, 2021 • 5 MIN
What makes a great dominant in the lifestyle? I think there are thousands of answer for that question.
Are there responsibilities to ending a relationship?
May 18, 2021 • 5 MIN
I believe that breaking up is another relationship stage. A pathway from one state to another, and deserves care and time.
White Knighting is GROSS, y'all.
May 13, 2021 • 6 MIN
White Knights in the lifestyle strike me not only as disingenuous, but also as potentially predatory.
I’m NOT telling you what to do…
May 11, 2021 • 3 MIN
Recently, there has been a lot of thought in my head about the friction between inclusion and WON TWOO WAYism, and why anyone would feel like there is even a choice.
You’re right. It’s NOT FAIR.
May 6, 2021 • 8 MIN
Lately, it seems like people want to tell me how unfair dating is. Believe me, I know.
Just ONE decision can change your entire life.
April 27, 2021 • 3 MIN
Have you ever looked back and realized how one decision totally changed things for you/your direction?
What IS attraction?
April 22, 2021 • 9 MIN
We use the word all the time, but what is it, really?
Prime Directive: To care for and protect our own hearts and minds.
April 20, 2021 • 8 MIN
When people abuse you, it’s their fault, not yours.
Kinky Question of the Week: How should I handle protocol or power exchange in public? ANSWERED
April 16, 2021 • 18 MIN
Today, Zach Budd and I answer the question: How should I handle protocol or power exchange in public?
“I’m sorry you feel that way.” Nonpologies, Part 1
April 13, 2021 • 4 MIN
It’s amazing to me how many people who really should know better (and do, in other situations) will fall back on this craptaculous non-apology when feeling defensive.
Kinky Question of the Week: How do I pick a scene name? ANSWERED
April 9, 2021 • 17 MIN
Today, Zach Budd and I answer the question: How do I pick a scene name?
Fake it until you make it…
April 8, 2021 • 4 MIN
There are things you can’t (or shouldn’t) fake and things you should (or can, anyway).
“There’s an art to respectfully treat a woman like a _____ and her loving it.”
April 6, 2021 • 7 MIN
It’s remarkably simple and almost done-for-you, if you start with genuine respect and consent.
Kinky Question of the Week: Why are there more Submissives than Dominants? ANSWERED
April 2, 2021 • 29 MIN
Today, Zach Budd and I answer the question: Why are there so many more subs than doms?
“You used to be so nice!”
March 30, 2021 • 4 MIN
I warned her that what she wanted would be hard, and it would suck, and she would change so much that the people she loved most then she may not even like once she’d done what she was aiming towards.
Kinky Question of the Week: Are ethical nonmonogamy and polyamory basically the same thing? ANSWERED
March 26, 2021 • 30 MIN
Zach & Nookie discuss the differences and similarities in polyamory and ethical nonmonogamy.
Please stop spreading this.
March 25, 2021 • 5 MIN
The last few years, I’ve grow increasingly uncomfortable with this quote without knowing why, or being able to articulate it.
They may be right. That doesn’t mean they are right for you.
March 23, 2021 • 6 MIN
How we set our boundaries will determine how much control another person has over us—what we do, how we think.
If only they would…
March 18, 2021 • 4 MIN
It’s up to you to choose what’s right for you and for those for whom you are responsible.
Are they a narcissist, really? Or just an a**hole?
March 16, 2021 • 11 MIN
The traits of a narcissist, and what good personal boundaries might look like to help avoid them.
One more time…
March 15, 2021 • 5 MIN
For me it wasn’t disinterest. It was an active and systematic (although possibly not intentional) verbal dismantling of my hopes and dreams by someone who was deeply insecure and troubled.
Kinky Question of the Week: How does one find a kinky family?
March 12, 2021 • 17 MIN
Zach Budd and I talk about finding your people in kink.
The Spandex Principle: How learning about a fiber changed everything for me.
March 11, 2021 • 7 MIN
I took The Science of Fashion class because it sounded cool, and I learned a new way of looking at life.
The OTHER Never-Ending Question
March 9, 2021 • 3 MIN
I’ve read that m marriage is just two people asking each other where they want to eat until one of them dies. And that makes me laugh.
Kinky Question Of The Week: I’m incredibly shy and awkward. What’s the best way to approach people online?
March 5, 2021 • 25 MIN
Zach Budd and I talk making that first move in our latest Kinky Question of the Week Podcast.
Your trauma is no excuse…
March 2, 2021 • 3 MIN
I get it. I've been through some shit. You might have been through more. Or less. But that doesn't matter, really. because, as they say, this is not the Olympics.
Hey, jealous me!
February 25, 2021 • 5 MIN
A lot of people say they couldn’t be poly or nonmonogamous because they are jealous. As if jealousy is not allowed in those lifestyles.
Public VS. Private Blame
February 23, 2021 • 5 MIN
A lot of people have been taught that immediately and forcefully denying even the most obvious faults is required to make it through life.
Kinky Question of the Week: What does an ETHICAL submissive look like to you?
February 19, 2021 • 22 MIN
How should they present themselves? What character traits should they have? What does their behavior look like?
That Door? It's There For You To Leave
February 18, 2021 • 3 MIN
I believe in making it easy for people to step out of my life.
Nonmonogamy: I do what I want.
February 16, 2021 • 7 MIN
Nonmonogamy needs no justification to anyone except the people that choose it, and wanting to be nonmonogamous is justification in itself.
KQOTW: What does an ETHICAL dominant look like to you? How should they present themselves? What character traits should they have? What does their behavior look like?
February 15, 2021 • 27 MIN
Zach Budd and Nookie answer the question: What does an ETHICAL dominant look like to you? How should they present themselves? What character traits should they have? What does their behavior look like?
“No” is a complete sentence.
February 11, 2021 • 5 MIN
Saying no is simple. Two letters. One syllable. But as simple as it is, it’s often not easy.
Don't feel bad for feeling.
February 9, 2021 • 3 MIN
Feelings are important. Necessary.
Kinky Question of the Week: How Do I know if I'm Bi?
February 5, 2021 • 16 MIN
Zach Budd and Nookie answer the question: How do I know if I'm bi? I've always been with the opposite sex, but I'm curious.
Healthy Relationship Sex
February 4, 2021 • 4 MIN
If your relationship doesn’t include the sex you want (or doesn’t allow for you not wanting sex or whatever), is it REALLY a healthy relationship? REALLY?
Some thoughts on female supremacy...
February 2, 2021 • 5 MIN
A lot of people assume specific things about me, based on whatever their idea of a dominant woman is. Often, these ideas are not informed by actual experience with dominant women and almost never by actual experience with me.
KQOTW: Is kink an integrated part of your life or something you do sometimes (no shaming!)? Whatever your answer, is that something you chose for reasons, or does it come naturally?
January 29, 2021 • 13 MIN
Zach Budd and Nookie answer the question: Is kink an integrated part of your life or something you do sometimes (no shaming!)? Whatever your answer, is that something you chose for reasons, or does it come naturally?
You ARE Worthy...
January 28, 2021 • 4 MIN
Some people will tell you that you’re not and you need to change to be worthy. I disagree with this.
Kinky Question of the Week: D/S & Poly?
January 22, 2021 • 28 MIN
Zach Budd and Nookie answer the question: I’m a submissive in a D/s relationship, and I’m also polyamorous. My dominant is poly as well, but is jealous and territorial. Is anyone else both D/s and poly? And how does that work for you?
A hug holiday during a pandemic...
January 21, 2021 • 3 MIN
I love that there is a holiday encouraging people to really connect on a physical and mental level.
Who loves dick pics?
January 19, 2021 • 5 MIN
Science studied the question of who loves dick pics and came up with some not-so-surprising results.
Kinky Question of the Week: Sex on the first date?
January 15, 2021 • 21 MIN
Zach Budd and Nookie answer the question: Sex on the first date: Does it ruin the relationship, or potentially help strengthen the relationship?
It Doesn’t Bother Me! It Doesn’t! It Doesn’t Matter To Me At All! Really!
January 12, 2021 • 9 MIN
I’m going to share with you a conversation. I’m going to post it without opinion (except as I stated my opinion in the conversation, and well, my title), and I will ask yours.
KQOTW: How do you feel about pubic hair on your partner or on yourself?
January 8, 2021 • 19 MIN
Zach Budd and I talk pubic hair in our latest Kinky Question of the Week Podcast.
Nonmonogamy: Using your meta as a couples' therapist...
January 7, 2021 • 5 MIN
Today, I’d like to address something that seems to happen A LOT in non monogamous relationships, especially in kitchen table poly, triads or families, where the metas interact as friends or more. And it’s no bueno.
Please don't call me... (A Rant)
January 5, 2021 • 5 MIN
If you wouldn’t walk up to a stranger in a coffee shop and say it, don’t say it to someone you don’t know in kink (unless they ask you to AND you agree).
KQOTW, Ghosting: Is it ever appropriate? When?
January 1, 2021 • 22 MIN
Ghosting. Simply dropping out of contact. Maybe in the getting-to-know-you phase, maybe when dating, and some even do this after years.
Reflections on 2020
December 31, 2020 • 9 MIN
Today’s cast is not specifically focused in on a blog or something I’ve written, but more an offer of engagement to each of you listening right now, no matter when you might be hearing this.
Please, don't be gentle.
December 30, 2020 • 3 MIN
Sure, some people may want your gentleness. Crave it, event. Not me. Not tonight.
The Love Drug
December 28, 2020 • 5 MIN
The brain is a most astounding organ. It works 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, from birth, until…you fall in love.
I don't NEED to be taken care of…
December 25, 2020 • 3 MIN
There is a silly and sometime harmful belief out there that submissive are weak. That they follow others because they have not direction of their own.
Terrible, horrible, wonderful things…
December 23, 2020 • 3 MIN
Walking the edge. It’s a part of kink that many people crave. The part of their darkness that they are afraid and sometimes ashamed of and simultaneously deeply needy for. The part of themselves that they have tried to deny.
BDSM vs. Abuse
December 21, 2020 • 4 MIN
Discussing the difference between BDSM and Abuse is useful and allows even people unfamiliar with BDSM to understand better.
Why do we say, “I’m not like other girls,” when we’re talking to men?
December 9, 2020 • 4 MIN
Partially because when boys/men get to know us, they say things like, "You're not like other girls," which is also THEIR experience of girls/women, because even in the youngest chapters of our lives, we're socialized to the war of the sexes (genders).
Let's Hear It For The Boys! Happy International Men's Day
November 19, 2020 • 6 MIN
I am glad for the men in my life, and I'm hopeful for others
Kinky Question of the Week: Living the Lifestyle 24/7
November 14, 2020 • 5 MIN
We asked: When someone says they live (or want to live) the lifestyle 24/7, what does that mean to you?
"Cis" & "Het" are excluded.
November 13, 2020 • 5 MIN
Someone said that “cis” and “het” people are excluded. I ask, from what?!?
Love is like playing a piano…
November 12, 2020 • 4 MIN
"Love is like playing the piano, first you must learn to play by the rules, then you forget the rules and play from your heart.”
Entitled Man
November 6, 2020 • 7 MIN
Sometimes, sex, love and romance go all wrong. And that’s OK. After all, we are all growing and learning as we go about our lives.
A Strong Submissive Woman
October 28, 2020 • 2 MIN
The idea that submissives are weak is prevalent, and I find that utterly ridiculous. Total shite, really.
"Don't Do It In The Street..."
October 27, 2020 • 3 MIN
Indeed, don't frighten the horses! But what about people? Specifically other people who can't consent to...whatever? Where is the line between civil liberties, and what might be best kept behind closed doors? I talk about my line of ethical demarcation. What's yours? Share in the comments! “It doesn’t matter what you do in the bedroom as long as you don’t do it in the street and frighten the horses.” —Mrs. Patrick Campbell
Thoughts on women and dominance and minding your own f*cking business…
October 19, 2020 • 6 MIN
A response to a man on FetLife claiming women are not (never) dominant.
October 8, 2020 • 4 MIN
A perfect choice for my 100th episode. Thank you for being a part of Dating Kinky!
"You Miss All The Shots You Don't Take." — Wayne Gretzky
October 7, 2020 • 9 MIN
Simple, right? If you don't actually put in the effort, if you don't do anything, you're going to miss those chances. But there's a second part that many people miss.
How (And Why) To Get Rejected More Often
October 1, 2020 • 5 MIN
A fear of rejection will cripple you in everything. Getting used to being rejected can help you build the mental muscle to keep going after your dreams.
“The Sub Has All The Power…” *cough cough* “Bullshit.”
September 24, 2020 • 6 MIN
I hear a lot of people saying "The sub has all the power..." in a D/s relationship. STOP SAYING THAT. Please.
Friendzoned? That's Because You're A Buttnugget.
September 17, 2020 • 3 MIN
First, let me start off by saying that I know very well that most people think friendzoning is something that men bitch about. And they’re right. But not only men.
Pet Peeve: The "Look at my butthole! Just LOOK AT IT!" Avatar
September 16, 2020 • 5 MIN
If you prefer your genitals as your avatar or your butthole, well, on the sites that allow that, do it! Just remember that just because you can does not mean you should.
When Good People Snap
September 10, 2020 • 10 MIN
Even good dogs bite (and good people snap) when pushed far enough.
It’s Not About The L-Word
September 9, 2020 • 3 MIN
Someone who I did not know well told me last year that they could tell I loved them. They were wrong.
After The “No,” Or When Asking For Consent Is Not Enough
September 3, 2020 • 6 MIN
So, you've asked for consent. They have said no, but left the door open for the future. What do you do?
A Domme By Any Other Name Would Still Smell As…Foul?
September 2, 2020 • 15 MIN
I had a conversation recently with someone on a kink site that has stuck in my mind, and bothered me a bit.
Today, I seriously considered faking it. Do you? Ever?
September 1, 2020 • 4 MIN
And no, I don’t mean orgasms. I can’t remember that I’ve ever done that.
Throwback Thursday: How To Avoid The Crazies In Kink—A Practical Guide
August 27, 2020 • 11 MIN
A conversation a few days ago in a local kink newbies group about people in kink being more likely to have mental issues than the general public, especially submissives, I feel like this needs to be addressed.
Start As You Mean To Continue, In Vignettes
August 25, 2020 • 7 MIN
Begin a relationship as who you are, not as who you would like to be.
Androgyny, Me? NOPE.
August 22, 2020 • 5 MIN
I don't feel Androgynous. I am feminine. I may have "traditionally" masculine traits, but what does that even effing mean? Because I am direct, I must be less feminine?
Love Without (Non-Negotiated) Expectations
August 21, 2020 • 11 MIN
EVERYONE has a different definition for love, and they vary wildly from one to another. Which just goes to show that we rarely communicate what we think we do.
Dating: Are You Lying To Me Or To Everyone Else?
August 20, 2020 • 4 MIN
Another throwback Thursday today and blast from the oh-so-distant past of March 2017: dating and lying—why do it? After all, I’m pretty sure you don’t want a partner who lies, right? So, why do it to others?
I don't want you to do the dishes...
August 17, 2020 • 4 MIN
I like to say, it’s not about “doing the thing,” it’s about being the person who does the thing.
A case for dating profiles that allow others to self-deselect.
August 14, 2020 • 6 MIN
Write your profile so that the wrong people can self-deselect.
Throwback Thursday: Topping From The Bottom, Asshole-ing from the Sidelines and More
August 13, 2020 • 7 MIN
A throwback from November 2014 taking a deeper look at the idea of "Topping from the Bottom."
"If I have to ask you, I do not want it anymore." A RANT
August 11, 2020 • 10 MIN
Last night in our monthly consent show, we discussed RNIF: Right Now I Feel... with Enchantress Shane. Happily, I already had this rant teed up to serve, to share more thoughts on the topic.
Throwback Thursday: Unsolicited Dick Pics, A Look Back
August 6, 2020 • 5 MIN
The ULTIMATE Response To An Unsolicited Dick Pic! (Video) Share your dick drawings with us at:
No shortage of change!
August 4, 2020 • 4 MIN
Just a quick update to let you know what's going on here at Dating Kinky. *smiles*&nbsp; Reach us at
Porch monkeys, maroons, and being cheap: racism and language, in three vignettes.
July 20, 2020 • 11 MIN
How I have learned more about racism through my experience of language as a white child and as a woman. The Real Maroons...and then there was Bugs Bunny #BLM Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
The chasm between desires and behaviors—or how we can be both right and wrong at the same time.
July 15, 2020 • 5 MIN
Is it possible that people don't realize that their actions don't align with what they are working so hard towards?&nbsp; Of course it is.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
We are never ready.
July 13, 2020 • 5 MIN
We are never "ready" for all that we do. We might be prepared, but ready?&nbsp; Nope.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
“You’re hot.” “No, thank you.” “F you.” (A customer service parable.)
July 11, 2020 • 6 MIN
It's the waiter rule. How people treat service people matters.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
"Well, then just stick it in her a** while she's asleep..."
July 10, 2020 • 3 MIN
Today is a short ‘cast about the curse of knowledge, deformation, misunderstandings and apologies.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.
I'm a little...different in how I think.
July 8, 2020 • 7 MIN
I don’t just often think differently from others. I often think differently than I think I think. And knowing that matters. Find the transcript for this episode here.
Setting and maintaining boundaries: for submissives.
July 1, 2020 • 21 MIN
Because submissives could often find themselves giving everyone else what fills those people up, while starving themselves.&nbsp; Understand Me Now—And that's an order! &nbsp; Our monthly show with Hardy Brooklyn on Dating Kinky about boundaries and consent No Regrets Find the transcript for this episode here.
It's against human nature to knowingly make a mistake.
June 29, 2020 • 4 MIN
It's against human nature to knowingly making a mistake. People ALWAYS choose the best path for them at the time. Even when that path is, "I'm going to try this thing and it may not work, but I will at least grow from it." Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
Manipulation & abuse is not always malevolent.
June 26, 2020 • 7 MIN
In fact, I'd postulate that it rarely is. But that doesn’t really matter.&nbsp; Gambler's Theory: Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Just what IS an orgasm?
June 15, 2020 • 17 MIN
or·gasm /ˈôrˌɡazəm/ noun a climax of sexual excitement, characterized by feelings of pleasure centered in the genitals and (in men) experienced as an accompaniment to ejaculation. Which is both a good place to start and definitely inaccurate—at least for many. Let’s break this down. Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Want to be better at love? Get Better at being single!
June 12, 2020 • 11 MIN
The people who are most successful as singles are especially likely to end up in happy marriages…let's look at why. Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; Learn morn about the It's Not Cheating event here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
“Poly” as lip service?
June 10, 2020 • 5 MIN
People ask me all the time, "How do you spot people who use the idea of polyamory to exploit others/get laid?" Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; Learn about about It's Not Cheating here.&nbsp;
Be more right.
June 8, 2020 • 4 MIN
It’s so incredibly easy to be wrong. And no one is ever 100% right.&nbsp; However, with a little thought about what really matters to us, we can be more right.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
I said, "Don't do that again," not "You did wrong."
June 5, 2020 • 3 MIN
It's fundamental in communication. Understand the words I say, and why I say them. Don't read more into them than exists.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
I don't cry a lot.
May 31, 2020 • 6 MIN
A message from Nookie.&nbsp;
The weight of the idea of THE ONE...
May 28, 2020 • 4 MIN
THE ONE is a LOT of pressure to put on anyone before you've met them. Even if it's just a possibility.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
It’s not who you are. It’s who I see you as.
May 27, 2020 • 4 MIN
I mean, we often say things like this in jest, and yet, it's 100% true. We ALL have good qualities, and when we focus on ourselves, we KNOW what those good qualities are, and it's easy to wonder why others don't see those and respond to them. I can tell you why: Because you are not communicating those qualities in a way those others can understand AND agree on them. Find the transcript for this episode here.
On being understood, intuitively...
May 12, 2020 • 6 MIN
Studies have shown that those who see love as a perfect unity self-report as being less satisfied with their relationships, and those who believe that sex is some sort of destiny (right person) have less satisfying sex and less satisfied sexual partners, versus those who think that great sex between people comes from learning and getting better together.&nbsp; SOURCES:! Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp;
true VS. Truth
May 6, 2020 • 7 MIN
What is true in this moment with the information you have may be be the TRUTH. That does not invalidate your reaction.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Abusive behavior is still abusive—even when they stay.
April 29, 2020 • 4 MIN
That's like saying, "Well, they stuck around even after I beat the everlasting fuck out of them (in non-consensual, non-fun ways), so it must be OK to do it." Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Using Sex As A Weapon
April 28, 2020 • 7 MIN
Using someone's sexual desire for you to manipulate them without consent is crappy behavior.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
A model of consent evolution that might help the conversations we're having...
April 14, 2020 • 8 MIN
Many times, people coming to something new don't want to have to think deeply or want to LEARN. They want to accomplish a goal. High Context Consent Vs. Low Context Consent Consent isn’t actually the key. Whips Chains &amp; Duct Tape on Facebook --- Send in a voice message:
Walking Away Is A Valid Choice, Always
April 6, 2020 • 3 MIN
I always have a choice to take people at face value for ALL that they are, or walk away if I cannot/will not. Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Let's talk about TRUST.
April 3, 2020 • 3 MIN
What do you mean when you say you trust someone? When you give a referral or vett someone? When you make an introduction, or put your weight behind a person? A few other links on trust:&nbsp; How do you trust? Trust More, Not Less Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
So, You're Masturbating More Now...
March 29, 2020 • 7 MIN
In a lot of ways, that's a GOOD thing. After all, it releases stress, helps you sleep better, and a host of other things.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
You're Always Being Used For What You Offer
March 25, 2020 • 5 MIN
We all do whatever we do because we get something from it. The question is: What do you provide that people want? Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Bossy Bottoms & Subdued Submissives
March 23, 2020 • 4 MIN
Don’t fall into the trap of believing that a dominant is going to fix everything in your life. Instead, ask: What are you doing to develop who you are as a desirable companion both in and out of your submission? Find the transcript for this episode here. --- Send in a voice message:
Settling - Don't Do It!
March 21, 2020 • 5 MIN
If you've ever left a relationship that you've been putting 100% into, because you finally realized that you alone aren't enough to make it know.&nbsp; Don't do that to another person.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here. Find our webinar replay here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Why We Fall For The Same ___ Over And Over...
March 17, 2020 • 6 MIN
Short answer: Because we benefit from them. Wait. We benefit from being lied to? Oh yeah, we do. We LOVE it! As long as we're not lied to too much, or in a way that we can't ignore. Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Orgasms & Energy Diffusion—Looking for Feedback
March 11, 2020 • 8 MIN
I’m practicing a model I’m writing about on orgasms with you, my audience.&nbsp; *smiles*&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here. Leave me a voice message here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Over and Over, I TOLD You
March 9, 2020 • 5 MIN
We all have a tendency to see and experience only what we greatly desire or truly fear, but not the slightly tarnished and full-of-character and wonderment and joy reality that actually exists…especially when we are searching for connection.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Playing in Public Consensually
March 4, 2020 • 13 MIN
How do you honor your power exchange relationship while in public? Of course, this is an intensely personal thing. There are many ways to show off your dynamic, some are quite subtle, others more overt.&nbsp; Have a thought you’d like to share? Leave me a voice message! Find the transcript for this episode here. And more information on my book, FLR, FemDom &amp; Women In Charge here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
What is YOUR Trap?
February 28, 2020 • 3 MIN
I wonder about the traps we set for others in our heads. What does it mean to me when I meet a man or a woman or an enby? A submissive or a little or a furry? What does it mean when I call someone sexy or smart?&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here, and more information on my upcoming book on FemDom here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Potential Pitfalls of Power Exchange in Long-Term Relationships
February 27, 2020 • 7 MIN
I was writing a chapter for the FLR, FemDom, and Women In Charge Relationships book coming out in just a few days (yikes!), and I realized that it applies to ALL power exchange relationship dynamics, and I wanted to share it with you.&nbsp; BDSM Vs. Abuse Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; Leave me a voice message with feedback, ask an anonymous question, whatever you’d like. Oh, and I MAY use your voice in a future ‘cast if you do. *smiles*&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Hunting the Elusive Unicorn, Finding a Minotaur, Bull Procurement & More
February 26, 2020 • 9 MIN
Unicorn Hunting is a touchy term in Polyamory circles.&nbsp; So many single women have gotten burned by couples looking "for a third," and then...well, I'll get to this.&nbsp; One of the biggest challenges surrounding this topic is, in my view, the communication of it.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Let's Debate: Seducer or Seduced?
February 25, 2020 • 4 MIN
Do you prefer being seduced? Or seducing?&nbsp; Do you see power inherent in one or the other? Do they fit in dominance or submission roles (or other power labels) to you?&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
What Is The Best Way To Warn Others About A Predator Without Drama?
February 25, 2020 • 4 MIN
I find a simple two-step process works best for me. First, I get consent. Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
What if My Consent is Broken?
February 21, 2020 • 5 MIN
When your consent is broken, it hurts, it’s confusing, and sometimes, it’s hard to figure out what to do. Here are a few options to help you.&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here, and learn more about my book, So, What Is Kinky, Anyway?&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
The Sexual Divide: A Rant
February 19, 2020 • 3 MIN
As a cis woman, I've ALWAYS known that there is a BIG divide between how most cis men experience sex and orgasm and how I do.&nbsp; How is it that so many people DON'T? The Casual Swinger Podcast International Kinky Women’s Day&nbsp; Find the transcript for this episode here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Knowledge is NOT Necessarily Power
February 18, 2020 • 6 MIN
Knowledge is not power. Knowledge is knowledge until you apply it or leverage it. Find and register for our next Newbies Night here.&nbsp; Find the transcript here. --- Send in a voice message:
Shame & Kink, Kink & Shame
February 14, 2020 • 5 MIN
Shame is an emotion. And emotions exist to call our attention to things we might need to think about, pay attention to, or fix. So, if you’re feeling shame about your kink, dive into it, and ask yourself some questions. Find the transcript here and learn more about So, What Is Kinky, Anyway? --- Send in a voice message:
My Personal Unpopular Theory of Responsibility
February 13, 2020 • 6 MIN
If I take 100% responsibility, that does not stop someone else from doing the same.&nbsp; Find the transcript here and learn more about my upcoming book, Understand Me, Now! (And that’s an order.) --- Send in a voice message:
Why Isn't It Normal To Like The People We Love? #Rant
February 8, 2020 • 7 MIN
It seems like not liking the people we love is trendy and cool right now, which seems to be the opposite of what it should be. The link to the Tumblr conversation: Find the transcript here and learn more about my upcoming book, Understand Me, Now! (And that’s an order.) --- Send in a voice message:
Roberto Gets Around, For Good Reason
February 5, 2020 • 3 MIN
A conversation I had today wherein I learned that Roberto has been with my friends.&nbsp; Read the transcript at my blog. Meet Roberto.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
How much does body language help/hinder communication?
February 4, 2020 • 4 MIN
A sneak peek at my communication book as I write it this week.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Communication Is Too THE MOST IMPORTANT Part Of A Relationship
February 3, 2020 • 8 MIN
If your natural communication styles are not compatible with another person, you will likely feel increasingly uncomfortable around them. This discomfort may take many forms.&nbsp; Find the transcript here and learn more about my book, Dating Kinky: Find the kinky love of your fantasies.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Hi, I’m Nookie, And I’m A Hug-aholic (And I LOVE Science-y Shit)!
January 31, 2020 • 11 MIN
I love hugs. And I explore the science and benefits of hugs for YOU! Find the transcript here. Learn more about International Kinky Women's Day here.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Subspace & Lightweights & Consenting When We Shouldn't
January 29, 2020 • 8 MIN
So, the play we do is awesome, amazing, wonderful, and it is a drug. Well, actually, it’s A LOT of drugs. And some people are more susceptible to these effects than others. They are lightweights when it comes to the feel-goods.&nbsp; Find the transcript and learn more about my new book So, What is Kinky, Anyway? here. --- Send in a voice message:
The Underappreciated Wholesomeness of Kink
January 28, 2020 • 7 MIN
What the media misses about kink in EVERY portrayal I've seen. A guest post by TheBoloonGuy.&nbsp; Find the transcript on my blog here. --- Send in a voice message:
BDSM Vs. Abuse
January 27, 2020 • 8 MIN
This is a question that comes up a lot. What is the difference between kink or BDSM and abuse? Find the transcript and learn more about my new book So, What is Kinky, Anyway? here. --- Send in a voice message:
Today In Butts: Are Rectums Self-Lubricating?
January 23, 2020 • 4 MIN
Short answer: No. Long answer included, LOL!&nbsp; Find the transcript and learn more about my new book The Big Book of Ass here. --- Send in a voice message:
Fly Fishing For Your Needs and Wants
January 21, 2020 • 6 MIN
Soooo sneaky to just dangle bait, right? They TOTALLY don't know that when you say "I love you..." and leave it hanging in the air that you are desperately waiting to hear it back.&nbsp; TOTALLY.&nbsp; Posted on the Dating Kinky Blog. --- Send in a voice message:
BDE (Big Dick Energy) and Confident Versus Cocky
January 20, 2020 • 8 MIN
What is Big Dick Energy (BDE), and what is the difference between confidence versus cockiness?&nbsp; Transcript/Blog Post --- Send in a voice message:
The Problem With Blaming Victims of Abuse
January 15, 2020 • 3 MIN
I will be clear about my position early in this short writing: THE PERSON WHO ABUSES IS ALWAYS AT FAULT. A transcript of this podcast can be found on my blog. --- Send in a voice message:
How Do YOU Get Into The Right Headspace?
January 13, 2020 • 8 MIN
When you have a real life with kids, or career, or money worries, how do you get into the headspace for kink? --- Send in a voice message:
What Level of Kink Are You?
January 8, 2020 • 8 MIN
In writing about the power exchange/kinky play balance, I went down a rabbit hole of how to categorize or measure kink in daily life. This is what I've created as a result. A starting place for thought or discussion.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
I'm Gonna R*pe All I Want
January 7, 2020 • 6 MIN
A discussion of CNC (consensual non-consent) relationships.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Belief Is NOT Everything. But It Is A Lot.
December 19, 2019 • 8 MIN
Belief can affect our memory, vision, hearing, and even physical strength and appearance. Let’s use it as a force for good in our lives!&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
The Red Flag Diaries: How Do They Talk About Others?
December 17, 2019 • 4 MIN
Not only does how a person talk about others tell you a lot about how they will talk about you (in good times and bad), but it also informs how they will see you and interpret your actions and words.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Words CAN Hurt
December 16, 2019 • 4 MIN
Not because of the words. Because of the actual physical harm that those words can incite.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Got Nuance?
December 15, 2019 • 5 MIN
The less nuance we share with each other, the less accepting we are of it. And another thing I’ve noticed, those that see and respect nuance?BOTH sides hate them as a sellout, white knight, traitor, extremist… --- Send in a voice message:
What If You've Been Wrong Your WHOLE LIFE? I Was.
December 14, 2019 • 4 MIN
I could accept that I had been wrong and make the changes so that moving forward I could enjoy the fruits of being right, or stay comfortable in my bubble of self-righteousness and fear and disdain and loneliness.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
It's Black AND White, Not Shades Of Grey
December 13, 2019 • 7 MIN
In fact, I rarely think in shades of grey. Or compromise. Or whatever it is we’re told we’re supposed to do to get along in this world. I also have some tips on writing a dating profile to disqualify people, and hwy that's important. Excerpted from Dating Kinky: How to find the kinky love of your fantasies. --- Send in a voice message:
A Ticklish Situation
December 12, 2019 • 2 MIN
It’s not cool to treat people on the internet like they exist ONLY to fulfill your fetishes. Just saying. --- Send in a voice message:
I Don't Do Hookups (Except When I Do)
December 11, 2019 • 2 MIN
A look at hookups from a woman's perspective.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
FRAMED! A New Series On How We See The World
December 4, 2019 • 9 MIN
Sometimes our mental frames are harmful. And sometimes those frames are helpful but not as &nbsp;helpful as they could be. How can we change them, when we need to to expand our perspectives and possibilities?&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Unconditional Relationships? *cough cough* BULLSHIT!
December 2, 2019 • 8 MIN
My love and my relationships are conditional. Mark Manson says that unconditional love and relationships are what we should strive for. I make my points against.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
We All Have That One Friend... Maybe YOU Are That One Friend.
November 29, 2019 • 4 MIN
The one who will put EVERYONE's needs before their own. The loyal, loving, always-there-for-you bestie who will give and give and give... --- Send in a voice message:
It’s My World. You’re Just Living In It
November 27, 2019 • 7 MIN
A perspective of the world that keeps us alive is more important than one that is objectively accurate. That's not easy on connecting, communicating, and understanding each other, though.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
The Red Flag Diaries: How Do They Respond To Your First "No"?
November 26, 2019 • 4 MIN
This is a new series on red flags to watch out for when meeting and dating and connecting with others in kink and elsewhere.&nbsp; People who feel entitled to your time and effort and who believe that their wants and needs are more important than yours will show you this. This is a red flag.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
It's Like Toilet Paper Bondage...
November 25, 2019 • 3 MIN
Behavior modification, on yourself or others. It's not a one-and-done thing. It's more like toilet paper bondage.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Conflict Resolution Protocol
November 23, 2019 • 8 MIN
Two ways to resolve conflict in your relationships. On involves pulling rank (in a loving way) and pattern interrupts. The other is simply an agreement of what happens when someone unilaterally ends a stressful conversation.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
I Hurt You BECAUSE I Love You.
November 22, 2019 • 3 MIN
I've heard, "I can't beat so-and-so like I used to. I love them too much." I just can't comprehend. --- Send in a voice message:
You Can't Even Get ONE Relationship Right! (Poly Is Not, Part XXII)
November 21, 2019 • 4 MIN
There are a lot of reasons that a relationship (or series of relationships) might not work. Polyamory or any sort of ethical non-monogamy are not the answer, nor are they right for everyone.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Successful Relationships: 3 Critical Questions
November 20, 2019 • 3 MIN
If you are able to answer all three of these questions in the affirmative, then you have what it takes to create a successful relationship.&nbsp; Will you? Maybe, maybe not. --- Send in a voice message:
The Way We Were, AKA The WON TWOO WAY™
November 19, 2019 • 5 MIN
I've often found that the very people who proclaim to all how accepting WE KINKSTERZ are of others are themselves incredibly intolerant of views that don't exactly match their own.&nbsp; --- Send in a voice message:
Any Problem You Can't Discuss In Your Relationship...
November 16, 2019 • 5 MIN
…is two problems. Or more. --- Send in a voice message:
It's Only Romantic When You Still Love Them
November 16, 2019 • 5 MIN
“If you don’t still love them, or worse, you barely even know them, it’s creepy. It’s stalkerish.” --- Send in a voice message:
In Life And Love, VALUE Is The Key
November 16, 2019 • 5 MIN
Musing on the idea of value, and how important providing value is to creating love and lasting relationships. --- Send in a voice message: