I don't do newbies.
"Go learn and do your own emotional labor before trying to involve me. I don't have the patience to date you and be your poly sherpa. Pick one! Lol"
I don't do newbies.
I also don't NOT do newbies.
I was having a conversation with one of my favorite muses, and they said:
> I liked TheFerrett's writing on how he doesn't do 'starter poly'
Now I'm not sure which of The Ferrett's writings they were talking about, but I remember one from WAY BACK in 2011 that I pulled up, "Ferrett's Hard Limits Of Dating," that included this:
> Honestly, we've done the starter polyamory thing, and it doesn't work for us; people go in with the best intentions, but usually it winds up being a rocky road as we navigate the usual jealousies and fears that go with it, and poorly. At this point in my life, I need a relatively quiet and stable relationship, and the first time at the rodeo ain't ever gonna be quiet. (https://fetlife.com/users/338073/posts/668060, https://www.theferrett.com/2011/09/20/the-ferretts-hard-limits-of-dating/ )
My friend went on to say:
> Go learn and do your own emotional labor before trying to involve me. I don't have the patience to date you and be your poly sherpa. Pick one! Lol
Which is fair.
After all, for a lot of people it's not terribly sexy to be a mentor—at least not when it's done right.
And by "mentoring done right," I don't mean "Use more suction down there to make it realllllllly good." I mean really digging into the mind and behaviors, and doing the hard work.
I do, actually, find that sexy.
But that's not why I'm writing this today.
First, let me say that whatever your limits are around dating, they are your right. Both my friend and Ferrett have a right to draw a limit at poly newbies, as do the many (MANY) people I see online saying they do the same thing.
And people who draw the line at kink newbies have the same right.
Or people who don't "do" brats, or won't date 'nilla, or draw a limit at smokers, or whatever.
Actually, it's me. I draw a limit at smokers. My parents both smoked when I was growing up, and the taste and smell in intimate situations makes me literally gag. That's not sexy, and no, brushing teeth does not make it go away. I can't get past that in my sexy times.
So, those sorts of limits are good.
I do date newbies, though.
Which actually sounds kinda ominous. Like maybe I hunt down newbies.
I don't. I tend to avoid them, actually.
But not because they are newbies. That's not my criteria. In the quote above Ferrett said, "At this point in my life, I need a relatively quiet and stable relationship," and while I'm not sure that I'd use exactly those words, low-drama is on my list of priorities.
Which, while that may deselect a lot of newbies (most of them, actually), it's also gonna deselect 95% of pretty much everyone right off the bat, at least to meet my standards of acceptable relationship hysteria.
There's more, though.
Find the full transcript for this episode here. https://datingkinky.com/blog/healthy-boundaries/i-dont-do-newbies/