Dating Kinky
What is your communication style?
June 22, 2022
If we have different best ways of learning, perhaps we have different best ways of receiving information from others that are similar.
How do you communicate best? How do you receive communication best? And does it even matter? 

I think so. 

A while back, I decided to research communication styles in the Google. A quick search brought up a lot of articles, but all were about the four basic communication styles: passive, aggressive, passive-aggressive and assertive, or about variations on that theme. 

And I'm a master of Google Fu. I have found important stuff by typing the most bizarre things into Google. Like "book about Arthur legend in space," because I remembered a series I read when I was 14 or 15 that I wanted to find again (The Keltiad for those interested.) 

But this time, I was not finding the right words to input. That was not what I was looking for. 

So I set it aside. 

Then I saw this screenshot series going around by @butchanarchy on twitter, that said: 

> Tbh the people I’ve known who have been the most rigidly committed to the idea that all hard or important conversations *must* happen in-person have also been people for whom in-person conversations give them the greatest advantage.

> I know that it’s a pretty common position that you’re ethically required to have hard conversations in-person/on the phone rather than in writing but I wonder if anyone who believes that has taken a moment to consider which people that position tends to privilege.

> Speaking for myself: I’m autistic. I can have hard conversations in-person, but the only way I can do even that (and hold my boundaries in it rather than just submit to the other person) is if I have a lot of prep time. Otherwise I just get walked all over.

> Writing, on the other hand, allows me to really reflect on how I feel and what I want to say. It allows me to have valuable processing time with what the other person says, without the pressure and speed of in-person conflict, which I need to come to a truly genuine response.

> There is not an insignificant number of folks who are very socially skilled and good at manipulation who demand all communication be on their terms because they are well aware that their terms make it easier for them to control the conversation and its outcome.

> Not saying that all people who prefer hard/important conversations to be in-person are like this. All I’m saying is that the cultural standard we have that says that communication *must* look a certain way is a distinct advantage for some and a distinct disadvantage for others.

> The way I see it is that communication mediums (texts, in-person convos, emails, phone calls, letters, etc.) are value neutral and which one is utilized should be dependent on what best allows all participants to communicate their needs and boundaries honestly and effectively.

You see, I was taught so many rules about communication by others, and I gulped them down, hook, line, and sinker.

For example, have you ever heard the advice "Never go to bed angry"? 

I believed it. 

That meant that we had to deal with whatever is happening now, no matter how unprepared someone was. No matter if someone was having an awful day and just didn't have the brain power to keep up. No matter if it was 1:30 am, and one of the people is an early bird who pumpkins at 9pm...(it's me, I pumpkin at 9pm). 

And when I found out that was not only not true, but often WRONG, it made me question a lot of things. 

But that was years ago, and suddenly a few days back, there I was, typing 'communication styles' into a search engine to see what happened, and being disappointed. 

And then, today, inspiration hit. 

And I typed 'learning styles' into Google, and came up with the VARK method, which I've 'known' for a while, but haven't actually used consciously in a long time. 

Find the full transcript for this episode here.